My swag is taking some hits

So I just moved in to a new pad. It's really fucking sick and I'd elaborate on how baller it is and how much pussy I am going to get merely due to my new real estate but I don't want to sound like a pompous douche. By the way, I really want to go to a snooty fucking party where some guy says "Hardy har har where's the tea and crumpets" and just lift up my leg and fart while saying YULLLEEEE. Some people want to be astronauts, some porn stars, I just want to fart near a really rich, snooty guy and I'll be satisfied.

Anyway, so my new place isn't going to have cable (internet or tv) until the end of next week. This sucks. Not only have I already exhausted all possible PC feature that I currently have at my dispoal, but I have beat off to every porno on my computer. I will not resort to re-using the same one twice that is NOT acceptable.

So right now I am at a fucking Starbucks using the internet. Everyone here is old as fuck with glasses and currently crossing their legs like homos, or really Asian. Both of these types of people suck gigantic balls.

My swag is taking some hits right now.