What the fuck

What the fuck? Why? Do restaurants seriously enjoy butt fucking the shit out of their costumers for no reason other than some twisted ideology where they have concocted the idea that continually pissing off your customers will create a system where they will grow attached to the company's tactics of general douchebaggery instead of growing a deep-rooted hatred for anything end everything to do with the place of business and all trademark, lamented, and watermarked bullshit they put on your door?

I digress to let you know that my rant was not just an isolated, angrily strewn together thought - there IS a point.

Near where I reside there's an Asian restaurant. They have decent food at decent prices. The one "convenient" feature the restaurant offers is a website that allows you to look at the menu and order your food for pick-up or delivery via a telephone call and a glance at the aforementioned web page. According to the site it is supposed to save time and improve your food experience immensely; probably by accommodating the baller in me by not forcing me to sit in a shitty asian restaurant, feel me?

Now, finding ths website is what is so fucking shitty. You would think, with the boisterous advertisements and stark claims (omg improved food experience, I'm wet) you would be able to access the website by simply typing in the name of the restaurant with a dot com attached to the end - nahhhh. You do that and will be forwarded to the company's real estate web page that offers you to an opportunity to become an entrepreneur and hopefully expand the website's global aims (you should only be allowed to discuss nuclear proliferation when using the term global aim by the way). So after spending like 10 minutes finding the web page, to be fair I was beating my meat, but suffice it to say 10 minutes later I find the web page and am greeted with an animated opening and a tab for a menu. Pretty exciting shit.

So I call up the restaurant declaring my need for pick-up and one of the items in boldface under "specialty items" - hot damn I'm going places with my food purchase. So the guy on the phone says "Sorry brah we no longer are serving that item." First off, fuck you for being a surfer dude addressing my asian delicacies, needs, and desires and second, false advertisement bitch suck a dick.

So I ask the guy to tell me what items they have to which he replies "Didn't you visit the website, brah?" I quickly quip "Yes brahhh but I just requested an item from said menu and you didn't have it so you kinda set a precedent of failure and ball blowing - would you mind telling me the menu?" He gets all snappy and defers my call to some high-pitched bitch and by that point I figure that I'm going to have to use my card there and feel obligated to give one of these cro-magnon dingleberries a tip so fuck that.

To conclude, if you are going to tout being convenient and offering mind-bendingly, globally expanding, world-changing shit you should at least be able to deliver something above average. I'm not trying to be a snooty, pretentious asshole about this and think my delivering experience should be placed on a pedestal next to Mahatma Ghandi, but I'm pissed and hungover and I just wanted some asian grub dangnabit.

Whats going on baby boo bears

The mod squad board keeps talking about me; I go to my hit counter to see where you guys are hitting me from no homo and the mod squad board keeps poppin up. Damn baby gurl I must be an authority figure if people in high online nerd sanctuary spots are checkin' up on ya boys swag. I just got an e-erection no homo Im cyber wet ya dig. Real talk tho I got the streets and the nut buzzin holla at ya boy.

Oh and I'll give updates on my last business trip as well as postponed beach news as soon as I found out where/when I want to bust a nut in my old pad before I leave it for good.

Holla.

Imma have to leave town again

So I have no idea if I'm going to be able to fully disclose what happened on my beach trip and consequently update this bitch with any frequency over the next few days.

E-mail me at fritostastegood@yahoo.com if you think you are a worthy candidate for taking over my blog when I have to leave town. I'm poppin' right now and my services are requested nation-wide and if I deem you fit you may just be able to step in to a young stunna's shoes for a few days. Let the swag be with you ya dig.

Daisuke Matsuzaka = Maggie Gyllenhaal

Is it me, or does Dice-K look just like Ms. Piggy aka Maggie Gyllenhaal in this photograph?

Grammar blows donkey gooch

It is ridiculous that we - as Americans - in a constantly evolving cultural climate are still held to the highest level of grammatical standards. I will compare grammar to basketball to explain why maintaining such stringent grammatical code is arbitrary and gay as fuck.

Basketball requires you to know the fundamentals to succeed: you need to know how to properly execute the basics ergot how to dribble, shoot, pass and additional skills such as being able to set a good screen, how to properly coordinate the pick-and-roll, and being able to box-out your opponent. All of these skills come together to make a good basketball player. They are essential skills that allow you to flourish in the game.

But, knowing those things does not necessarily make you a good basketball player. In fact, the person who knows how to box-out his opponent to the highest degree is usually the biggest, fattest douchebag on the court. The fundamentals underlie and permeate throughout a good basketball player's game and are readily apparent but the ability to incorporate an individual skill set in to the game is what makes a great player.

Grammar is in the exact same boat; the correlation between the two is almost exact. Every solid writer knows the basic rules of grammar, but the greatest writer is not necessarily a grammatical junkie. As long as the message isn't hindered by the grammatical usage it isn't really that important.

I certainly don't think grammar should be eradicated from the syllabus of compulsory education. With the aforementioned analogy I was clearly stressing how vital it is to understand the fundamentals of grammar. At the end of the day I feel that imaginative writing is much more important than technically impressive writing. Maybe I'm alone on this.

Naked pics of boppa come out

So giraffegirl a.k.a bop-a-holic aka put it in my mouth has naked pictures that everyone has gotten ahold of. There is something wrong with the terminology people are using for them though. You shouldn't use the verbage "leaked" to describe the action of the pictures being on the internet. I mean, if she sent them to some dude and he beat his meat and then showed them to his other online friends they weren't "leaked" some nerd just busted his nut and wanted his brosephs to share in the splendor. They mighta been creepily spread around, or exposed to the masses, but they weren't leaked.

And what the fuck baby gurl? Why you showing off your penile abyss to the masses baby boo? I thought a woman's body was a temple that is what Vagina Monologues no homo told me. It is just weird to me that you would become the wifey of some dude you met online and then continue to stay online not to converse, or look at stocks, or look up weird shit people are selling on Craiglist, or look up pics of Manu Ginobili, but to send nude pics to weirdos online. Unless you got a PayPal business going where you get mad stacks for them I don't see the point. Are you really that wet from male attention that you feel the need to expose yourself to anonymous folks online?

Step ya game up baby gurl.

I'm back like cooked crack

I'm back from the beach. It was a pretty tight trip - coulda been a lot better, but hindsight is 20/20 and I only got 20/50 vision ya dig. I'll give updates on what happened a little bit later, but I just got back to the crib so Imma chill out for a little bit no homo.

Im bout to go to the beach

A young stunna bout to hit the beach hopefully he won't get hit by any ultraviolet rays gotta make sure my SPF game is tight. Back in the day I used to live next to this ashy motherfucker and his sister would always come out and say 'yo, somebody is on the phone and they wanna speak to you' and my homeboy would be like 'who is it' and she'd go 'lo shon' and he'd be lack 'who is lo shon' and she'd say 'lotion you ashy motherfucker.' That has nothing to do with the beach, but I thought it was an interesting story and if you don't like it suck a dick no homo.

So yah, Imma head to the beach. I think the people I'm going with only bought Tequilla, which ain't my favorite but a young stunna would prolly drink goat saliva if it was 90 proof no homo so I will probably get throwed anyway.

I'll be back with a report in 2-3 days ya dig.

I'm throwed

So my homeboy picked me up and took me home cuz I didn't take my car to the location that I was at so I decided to drink a 12-pack on my own before my friend picked me up bad fucking decision. I am feeling solid but fucked up and damn dude it took me like ten minutes to type solid so that's sad I mean how do you misspell solid enough times for it to require 600 seconds worth of effort to do it?

Yah, so Imma try to go to bed good luck to me wow.

yab

You're like 55 you oldhead lame. You should seriously consider a retirement son. You should start getting some board message benefits for being a senior citizen. They should let you post every 15 seconds or something and give you a free rocking chair with a subscription to IGN you oldhead. Give it up and go take a nap or something. Oldhead. Real talk I bet you knew FDR and you probably wear button up longsleeve shirts in the summer you oldhead.

No homo at what I just did

So my baby gurl needed me to go to the store to get her some "feminine products." She had a headache and it made her incapable of taking a step, getting out of bed, and talking to ya boy in a civil manner. My initial reaction was to slap the bitch with a stack ones, but I realized she provides my penis with pleasure plus cooks me food so I dismissed my original thought and decided to go.

Being the classy guy I am I went to the cheap pharmacy around the corner from where I reside. Unfortunately, the only employees were homo dudes who got their jollies from hetero-sexuals who have to buy their boppas "feminine products." I am pretty sure the manager of the pharmacy climaxed when I asked him where the aisle for feminine hygiene is; he straight up went 'OOOHHH MYY GOOODNESS WELL WELL ITS RIGHT OVER THERE HONEY'.

I picked up a low carb Fuse drink on the way out to satiate my thirst and make sure a young stunna keeps his thunder thighs in tact no homo and went on my way. The boppa in front of me was a thick dyke with a Rosie cut so that was lame as fuck, but I eventually got out of there scotch free.

No homo at what I had to do though.

Sorry baby boo for no updates

Apparently I did a whole lot of stuff last night that I don't remember; I unknowingly ate a blueberry muffin filled up with some jolly green giant. My bad baby girls.

_Gordon_

I was lurking the IGN boards and noticed this guy _Gordon_. What a fucking loser. First off, your name sucks balls and your parents really hated you. If Gordon isn't your real name, why would you name yourself that? It's not witty; it's dumb as fuck.

Second, this lame takes pride in posting fast. Wow, that would be like me taking pride in the amount of logs that come out of my anus during a bowel movement. You actually think it's cool that you can rapidly produce shitty posts with no substance. I guess it's pretty cool that you can spend 8 hours a day sitting at your computer thinking of short, idiotic things that don't contribute at all to the topic-at-hand. And I'm banned bitch so you can't offer me a WUL to like you that shit don't work here.

I had a third point, but it was just a tangent going off the comment I made at the end of the second point about how offering to put people on your Watched User List for e-respect is dumb as fuck and probably means you are a peter puffer.

But yah, _Gordon_ you suck. You suck big, elephant testicles with mohair on 'em.

I went to McDonalds

I went to McDonalds to grab a Double Cheeseburger cuz I was like 'fuck it I want a Double Cheeseburger' and the dude ahead of me ordered like 60 bucks worth of shit. Sure, he coulda been ordering for some other people, but 60 bucks worth of stuff at McDonalds? Unless he was throwing a party and everyone was like 'broooo you need to go to Mickey Ds I got the munchies maaan' I just don't see that happening. Maybe they are having golden arch McDonalds theme parties where you dress up as Grimace, and the Hamburgler and shit gets poppin' but I just don't see that as very realistic.

I'm flabbergasted.

So I just ate a bowl of cereal

So I was looking through my pantry (no homo at that word) for something to eat when I noticed every edible item was past it's expiration date with the exception of some whole grain cereal. So any baller knows that thing has less taste than that body of Christ stuff they give you at Christian places so I was gonna pass it off.

Then I came up with a great idea to add some fruit to that bitch no homo. I had a banana and some strawberries and I chopped 'em up and gently placed them in my bowl of cereal. I was thinking to myself 'damn baby girl, you just made yourself a delightful, balanced and nutritious cereal holla' and then I went to dig in.

Then I got to thinking: this cereal is perplexing me. The quandary with eating cereal with fruit is how to balance it out. You don't want to eat all the fruit before you're done with the cereal; after eating cereal with fruit it just tastes boring without it (especially whole grain which is what I imagine the shit horses eat tastes like) but if you try and balance it out not every bite of whole grain is gna be able to contain any fruit. I mean, unless you carry a ladle with you and wanna use it for cereal and are one of those boppas with jaws that can disconnect so they can fit horse cocks in their mouth it just ain't happening. So I was really confused.

So I went with the former option and ended up with about half a bowl of whole grain still left in the bowl so I think I'm just gonna pour it out on my neighbor's lawn. If you think I'm a douche, you should meet my neighbor and realize how tame my actions are considering how vile this dude is; he's a real ball licker.

Oh, and I decided not to go take care of business today and postpone it until tomorrow for the purpose of using tonight to get drunk. Being responsible can always wait.

Awwwwready

In about 25-30 minutes Imma head out and go make my little trip to take care of some business. Gonna listen to a Young Jeezy mixtape I just copped and Fabolous' Gangsta Grillz mixtape that has been in steady rotation for a few months now. I think Fab is starting to invent triple entendrees dude is just sick wit' it.

Good thing I'm making paper stacks cuz you gotta make it rain at the gas station to get your tank filled up. What happened to all those technological advances that had scientists proclaiming that we were one day going to have a massive amount of consumer vehicles running on water and vegetable oil and shit? Bitch, I could buy like ten liters of water for the price of a gallon of gas hurry up and make that shit a reality. I will throw ten jugs in my car I do not even give a fuck.

Lyrical Exercise Volume 1

Here's a freestyle to Ludacris' Pussy Poppin:

Step up in the club eyes blurry need glasses/
or is that a group of ugly hos with cottege cheese asses/
i ain't down with that so young fritos starts to get mad/
slaps a boppa with a stack of ones cuz i got sick swag/
and my swag is impeccable not to be fucked with/
so its ironic how your boy shows privates in public/
im eyein the subject but tip toein the issue/
which is relieving my future seeds on faces like they tissues/
i misuse my future cuz i live in the present/
i dont fuck with hos who on the thing that ends a sentence/
i reckon that wreckin is not just a hobby/
but how i show dudes that gas you up are just carbon copies/
elements they celibate and i aint down with that/
so imma have to break these haters off like a kit-kat/
i once heard a chicken can live with its head off/
guess that means they'd enjoy their legs in figure four leg locks/

This message sponsored by....

Hi-C Orange Lavaburst is the greatest drink in the history of mankind. Yes, I love my Ol' English, but this drink even surpasses that. I often-times travel to McDonalds with the sole intent of purchasing this delicious, tantalizing, heart-warming albeit chilly and tasty beverage. If you drink this and do not have a smile radiating from your face you are a cold bastard and should go to the nearest clinic to see if you have a pulse.

If I found a way to buy this drink by the crate I would. I recommend everyone call around every store within a 30 mile radius of your current location and try to find some Hi-C Orange Lavaburst. No homo but I'd lick Rosie Donnell's vag for a lifetime supply of Hi-C Orange Lavaburst.

Gorilla Zoe's new song with Weezy

You need to hear this song. It's such a chill, laidback song. I really hope this becomes a mainstream hit. It might not be an exercise in master lyricism, but it's refreshing to hear something that strays from the norm.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/15771636d836e17e/

Mary-Louise Parker

If you haven't seen "Weeds" you may not be able to comprehend just how ridiculously sexy this chick is. She is sexy as fuck and if you've watched the show it's really obvious she can ride a dick like a veteran in the Hall of Fame. Do yourself a favor and watch "Weeds"; not just because it's a good show, but because of how sexy this bitch is.

By the way, why is Kevin Nielin's character so good? The guy has so little talent, but his character is a baller.

If you want to laugh

Ask TheHonald for a picture of himself; I saw it one time and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Just woke up

A young stunna just woke up - got a good 9 hours of sleep in and I'm ready to go out and ball. Some boppa woke me up telling me she left stuff in my car so I had to get up and unlock it, but it wasn't much work so no reason to get all angry ya dig.

Today I gotta go out of town at some point and handle some business. It's only a couple hours away, but with the price of gas I'm thinking of buying an Asian/Cambodian kid on eBay complete with a rickshaw and just using them to travel. I don't know 'bout the legality but I figure with the price of gas cops will understand.

I was reading CNN the other day and saw that gas has fallen to under 130 dollars a barrel. Can I buy that bitch by the barrel gotta be more than 30 something gallons of gas in a barrel, right?

Anyway, bout to drink some Nestea Lemon Flavor and watch Skip Bayless no homo. Later.

I saw Clay Aiken in Vegas

no homo at my life?

Tell me why

I let my homeboy borrow my laptop for a couple days and it comes back with a bunch-a porn sites in the history folder. I ain't tryin to spy on duke but I just wanted to see what he was doin' with my comp. Turns out he was using my computer to beat his meat. This afternoon I took a trip to Academy and tomorrow he's gonna be meeting a nice Lousville Slugger. Batter up, coach.

John McCain likes dick

Yarrgghhh I'm 91 years old and like dick and the war in Iraq; wanna talk shit I'll nap all over your ass. I'm capo status in Arizona blood in blood out bitch holla at Killa Cam and dipset byrdgang. We getting this paper, son.

Just a few comments since I'm banned

So who gives a fuck, right?

GiraffeGirl got drunk one night and sent me pics of her getting fucked doggystyle by some black dude outside by her pool. She put it up on imageshack and sent it to me after talking mad wild about how much she likes black dudes. She took it down the next day and apologized about it saying something along the lines of "Omg I was drunk sorry about that tee-hee".

I'm here to apologize about nutting in to a paper towel with thoughts of you boppa head. If she denies this she's the biggest liar of all time and i'll have to add liar to the beginning of the boppa I already associate her name with.

By the way

I started this bitch cuz some mad salty haters banned me for like 6 months cuz I inquired about XboxGurl's donkey butt that you could serve a super size Big Mac on. My swag is impeccable tho so they can't stop me even if they stopped me ya dig.

Gay shit

Do you ever think shit is gay when it's not really homosexual? Ordinary stuff that is abundant and doesn't even stick anything near a male orifice yet it's gay as fuck? The perfect exemplification of this being clouds.

They are white, fluffy, massive balls of crystals and droplets and they just sit there above you in an almost facetious manner. To top it off, they have real gay names like nimbus and cumulus and stratus - sounds like a bunch of homo fruits Elton John would stick in his buttocks.

Just the other day I saw some lame Asian dude with thick rimmed glasses and a bluetooth a.k.a. I'm a douche so let me wear this earpiece that makes 99 pct of the population think I'm talking to myself- taking pictures of some clouds very excitedly. First, who the fuck gets excited about clouds and second, lock it up brah Goku ain't gonna fall out that bitch.

I don't remember what my original point was, but clouds are gay as fuck.